Who Will Stop the Rain
by choose joy xox
Summary: "He would have been the best dad, Hailey. And I'm so sorry that you're stuck with me." What could have been a regular fight brings up a series of emotions and pain that no one is really prepared to deal with. An outtake for Let's Go Back to the Start. This won't make a lot of sense if you haven't read that.


**Surprise! I don't expect this to get a lot of reviews (but if it does that'd be rad, just saying), but I really missed this story. And I noticed that it was about a year from the first day I published it, so I thought as a surprise I would write a little outtake for you all. This takes place between the last chapter and the epilogue.**

**IF YOU HAVE NOT READ LET'S GO BACK TO THE START this is not going to make a lot of sense.**

**A few things. First, I literally have not cried writing a story in a LONG TIME but this did it. I was sobbing like an idiot at the end. But that's par for the course with this stupid story.**

**Secondly, I love you all for being patient with me. I promise updates will come faster sooner. I have just gotten so so so busy. **

**Hailey's POV (15)**

For the first time in her life she didn't want to go home. Her friends all complained about their moms, but she genuinely got along with hers. It was something about the way she treated her with so much respect. Her mom never made her feel inferior. Instead of telling her she was wrong she sat her down and they discussed the issue until they came to a conclusion together.

But as she stared down at the red D scrawled across the top of her term paper, she had a feeling that this wouldn't be one of those times. There were very few times that her mother laid down clear and irrefutable rules, but academic success was absolutely one of those times. The goals that they set together were not unattainable, but they were expected to consistently be achieved. Lower than a C wasn't going to be acceptable.

And it wasn't as though she'd yell at her, but her mom's disappointed stare was worse than anything else. Lindsey had told her just to hide the paper, but she didn't know her mom. She had helped her pick a topic and helped her formulate a decent argument. It was actually a miracle she had done poorly and entirely her own fault, because her mom had practically held her hand the entire step of the way. She would ask about it. It was better to just come clean.

She took a shallow breath before shouldering her way into the apartment. "Mom?"

Her mom dried her hands on the dish towel by the sink and turned with a smile on her face. "Hey sweetheart. How was school?"

She cringed and just tossed the paper in her direction, not wanting to draw out the torture. She sat on the bar stool and spun to face the wall. "I know it's bad and I know that it sucks. I'm stupid, whatever. Please don't hate me."

There was a pregnant pause as she shifted through the papers. "Oh Hay. How did you do this?"

Usually she felt ashamed at her mother's disappointment, but this time she just felt frustrated. Everyone screwed up once in awhile, right? Why couldn't she? Why did she have to be perfect? "I'm just not as smart as you, I guess."

"No, we're not going to be illogical. Tell me what happened and don't deflect."

She bristled. She always hated it when she brought logic into an argument. Maybe she didn't want to be logical. Maybe she wanted her mom to scream at her. To yell at her and make her feel as stupid as she knew that she was. "Why are you being like this? I don't want to talk about it! Just ground me or whatever!"

Spencer took a step back from the island and closed her eyes. Hailey knew well enough to know that was what she did when she was trying not to yell at her. "I think that you need to go take a minute. Come back out here when you can talk to me like an adult."

Why was she acting like this? Two fat tears squeezed out from her eyes as she stood up, an angry red hue tinting her vision. She was embarrassed. She was so embarrassed because she could do so much better, and that was why she was acting so irrationally. But she couldn't stop. "I wish dad was here instead of you," she snapped, letting out the most hurtful thing that came to her mind before grabbing her bag and running toward the door.

She chanced a glance over her shoulder and nearly stopped when she saw the stunned anguish on her mom's face. But she didn't. She turned and she ran and she ran until she couldn't run anymore. When she couldn't go any longer she dragged her feet to the park that her mom used to bring her to when she was younger. She plopped onto a swing and stared blankly ahead.

She knew she was wrong. She didn't have to think too hard to come to the conclusion that she had acted irrationally. Her mom hadn't deserved that. But it was out of embarrassment more than anything, and hopefully she realized that. She would have to go and apologize, but for now she was content to sit in her little depressed bubble.

"See Em! I told you we'd find the brat here."

She didn't even care enough to move at the unexpected sound of her Aunt Hanna's voice. Had Hanna called her a brat at any other time she would have been offended, but right now she couldn't even deny it. She was the worst. "Is my mom mad at me?" She asked softly, keeping her eyes on the ground.

"Well I think that's a fair bet," Hanna snorted, leaning against the metal pole. "You basically told her you wished she was dead."

Was that what she thought? She bit down hard on her lip, hoping the stinging pain stopped the threat of tears. "I didn't say that."

Hanna snorted again, but Emily shot her a look as she slid into a swing next to her. "Hay, I really think it was more your bringing your dad into it than anything. It's been a long time, but it's still really raw for her."

A picture of her dad's smiling face flashed through her brain. It was all that she had of him, really. Every time her mom talked about him she took on this flat, dead voice. She knew story after story, but what was that worth in the end? "She talks about him all the time, but she never really says much."

Hanna gave her a look and slid around the back of her swing. "I know you're only 15, but try to think of the two most disgustingly in love people you can think of, fictional or real. Then multiply that by about a thousand and you still aren't there yet. Your mom and dad kind of made me want to puke."

Emily rolled her eyes. "I can't begin to describe what they were like together because I never experienced something like it before. Every time your mom walked into the room your dad's face would light up like she made his life by just existing. And your mom- I know you've noticed that she can be a bit uptight."

Hailey snorted. That wasn't news to her. Emily nodded encouragingly. "Your dad was the only one who could get her to calm down. Before they met she was-" Emily craned her neck and looked to Hanna for help.

Hanna laughed and pushed Hailey's swing. "Your mom was a nerd. The biggest nerd. But your dad loosened her up. He showed her that there were better ways to live. And when her neurotic tendencies came out to play he shot them down with a kiss or something." Hanna paused and came around in front of her. She stopped the swing with both hands on her shoulders. "And if you think your dad would have been impressed with what you just did you're wrong. He would have been more upset with you than Spencer is. He was a puppy dog most of the time, but when someone hurt your mom he turned into like a freaking shark."

Emily rolled her eyes, but she didn't voice any disagreement.

Tears welled up in her eyes as she looked up at Hanna. "I know, okay? I know I was a jerk. I didn't mean to make her sad."

"Kid," Hanna pulled her up and into a hug. "Listen, we were all bratty teenagers not that long ago. We get it. But there are topics that are below the belt, and bringing your dad up as a weapon was low. You need to go apologize to her."

She nodded vigorously. She really did love her mom, and she didn't mean to hurt her. It just came out. "Why are you here?"

Emily laughed and joined in on their group hug. "Spencer called us to see if we had seen you. Come on, Hanna drove. We can give you a ride back."

She nodded silently and climbed into the back seat. The short drive back to her house was filled with thoughts of her parents. She knew that they loved each other. That was a given, wasn't it? A lot of people got divorced, but her parents never did. So didn't that imply love? But the kind of love that Hanna and Emily were describing? She had never experienced or seen that.

Or maybe she had. Maybe the sadness that passed through her moms eyes when they watched certain shows or went certain places were the remnants of that kind of love. Maybe that love was there in the longing way she looked at pictures of her dad. Maybe it was there in the way that she made sure that Hailey knew him even though she really didn't know him. Maybe that kind of love was in the tears that she heard her cry when her mom thought that she was asleep. Maybe that was what that kind of love looked like when there was only one half left to express it.

She didn't even realize she was crying until she caught a glimpse of her face in the mirror. "He loved her?"

Emily shot her a sympathetic look. "Knowing your mom, she downplays things because she thinks that it will make it hurt less. But yes, sweetheart. It was the intense, fairy tale like kind of love. The once in a lifetime kind of thing."

"How do you know?" She didn't know why this was so important to her all of a sudden, but it just was. She needed to know about her dad from people who wouldn't sugarcoat it.

They exchanged a look, but it was Hanna who spoke. "Spencer and Toby didn't fight often, but after one of their biggest fights Toby came to me. I don't remember what it was about, but I do remember that it was mostly your mom's fault. She was being overly stubborn about something, as usual. I don't think Toby even realized that he was crying as he ducked into my tiny apartment and asked me to help him. I was annoyed with Spencer at the time, so I didn't get why he would go out of his way to apologize for something that wasn't even his fault. He just ducked his head and said that nothing was worth losing her over."

Emily started talking over the end of Hanna's story. "It was a lot the same with your mom. You know how she gets. Annoyingly logical and when she makes a decision she sticks to it. The fact that she even let herself get with your dad was proof of how much she loved him. They met in high school, and your dad wasn't all that well liked. He went through a lot, and honestly, some people thought that he was dangerous, your mom included. But one day this bully was picking on him, and she had enough. She stepped in, he took her for coffee to thank her, and the rest is history. When she found out that he had cancer she gave up everything that she had worked so hard for to take care of him. Her career, her independence from her family. She quit her job and they lived off of her trust fund so that she could spend all of her time making sure that he had what he needed. And he-" She cut herself off with a pop of her lips.

"He what?" Hailey asked, somewhat desperately.

Emily glanced at Hanna. "He did something extraordinarily selfless and romantic to make his dying a little easier on your mom. It was unbelievable, and I think your mom should be the one to tell you that story."

She thought about the pictures on her walls. The ones of her dad holding her mom. The pictures of them doing things together. The pictures of birthdays and holidays and just regular old days. The pictures that were intermixed with her life with her mom. She thought of all of that and she wondered why she never really connected these dots before. Her mom was her mom, and sometimes it was hard for her to understand that she was also someone with feelings. She faced the world every day with this intense and unyielding focus. She could be extraordinarily kind, but she could also be a tornado if anyone got in her way. But she had also faced loss, unimaginable loss, really. Toby Cavanaugh sounded as though he was an incredible guy, and he _was _her dad. Whether she had ever met him or not, he was her dad and she was so proud of that fact. But her mom had known him, and she had _loved _him. She had loved him as much as Rose had loved Jack in Titanic or as much as Ally loved Noah in the Notebook. She loved him so, so much and she lost him. She lost the person that she loved the most in the world.

She could have spent the rest of her life a depressed wreck, and not a single person on the planet would have blamed her for that. But she didn't. She pulled herself together and she was the best mom in the whole world. And that had to have cost her something. But she didn't let that price effect Hailey's happiness or her life. She was so happy, and that was because of the sacrifice that her mom made.

So when they pulled up in front of her apartment she didn't even bother to say goodbye to her aunts. She jumped from the car and tore down the sidewalk and up the stairs into her home; the same home that her mom had shared with her dad. The home that they had fought in and made up in and hoped to start a family in. The apartment that had to be full of ghosts for her mom.

She kicked off her shoes and dropped her bag at the door, her eyes scanning the kitchen and the leaving room, but they caught no sight of her mom. "Mom?" She called, her voice breaking at the end. "Mom, where are you?"

She didn't hear anything, so she padded through the living room and down the hallway, stopping outside of her bedroom door. She knocked twice. "Mom, are you in there?"

There was no response, but she heard a quiet shuffling, so she pulled the door open. "Sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to barge in, but I have to talk to you. I-" but she trailed off as she caught sight of her mom. The woman she had always seen as so strong was curled up against the headboard, a fat photo album taking up her lap. But the alarming part where the tears that were falling hard and fast down her cheeks. "Mom?"

She suddenly jumped like she hadn't heard her until that moment. As soon as her brown eyes focused on Hailey's face she swiped away her tears. "I-I'm sorry. I didn't hear you come in."

"No, don't apologize. I'm the one that needs to apologize," she said softly, sitting on the edge of the bed. "You know I didn't mean that, right mom?"

She gave her a halfhearted smile. "So Hanna and Emily found you then, huh?"

Her aunts were nothing if not predictable. She nodded shortly. "Yes, and they told me things that made me think things, and I am _so _sorry," she continued. "I love you so much and-"

She just shook her head. "Sit," she gestured to the spot of bed next to her. "Because you got a lot of talking done earlier. I have a few things that I want to say."

She was nervous, but she figured that she owed her that much after bringing up the worst things earlier. Her mom waited until she was sitting before gently grabbing one of your hands. "I've never told you this, okay? But I think that you need to hear it."

She nodded, knowing that this was probably going to be another emotional conversation. Her mom tucked a chunk of her unruly brown hair behind her ears before speaking, her eyes somewhere on the wall behind her. "I found out I was pregnant with you during what was undisputably the worst time of my life. Your dad had just d-died. And I was lost. I didn't know how to breath without him there. I- I didn't know how to live without him anymore because he was literally everything to me."

Their tears were falling in sync right now, and she was scared to even breath too loudly lest she miss any of this. Her mom sucked in a deep breath before continuing. "I was- I wasn't taking care of myself. I was just content to stay in bed, surrounded by his scent, until I could be with him again. Hanna and Em and Caleb... they were great. They were the only reason that I ate or showered or left my apartment. They kept me alive in the short term."

"Short term?" She breathed, trying to keep her emotions in check.

She nodded, her face red and the tears still flowing steadily. "I never would have lasted long like that. Then some things started to happen, and the only one that matters right at this moment is that I found out I was pregnant with you." She was a long pause filling with their sniffling. "And I'm not going to lie to you, Hailey. I considered giving you up for adoption. I- I wasn't fit to be a mother at that time. I was lost and hurting and I just wished that I was dead."

She bit down on her lip again. "Just adoption?" She couldn't think of a better way to ask her mom if she had considered aborting her. It was a moot point, because it obviously hadn't happened. But somehow it was suddenly really important to her.

Incredulous shock was all that was on her mom's face for a moment. "_Yes. _I didn't know _you_ yet, but at that time you were a piece of Toby. You were half him, and you were a piece of him that I still had. A piece of him that I could never kill. I was always going to give birth to you, no matter what my decision was after that. Abortion was never an option."

Hailey nodded. "So when did you decide to keep me?"

A sad smile appeared on her lips. "Your Uncle Caleb took me to my first appointment. It was a little late, because I hadn't realized that I was pregnant right away. I was too focused on other things. So at my first appointment I got to see you. I got to hear your heart beat, and I knew, I just _knew _that I had to keep you. I knew it was the right thing to do, and I knew that it was what Toby would want me to do."

Her mom's hands were suddenly gently flanking her face, her cool hands cupping her cheeks. "So, let me be perfectly clear with you. Every single day that goes by I wish that your dad was here. I wish that he was here because he would be a million times better than me at this. He was kind and gentle and empathetic and he always knew the right things to say when someone needed him. He would have protected you and loved you. God, would he have loved you. He would have been the perfect father, and there isn't a day that goes by that I wish that you had him in your life, because you deserve the best. And he deserved to know you. He would have _loved _you."

She stopped again, closing her eyes and bringing Hailey in for a hug. She rested in her mom's embrace, letting her arms comfort her as she spoke the words that she didn't even know that she needed to hear. Her mom sighed and began to rhythmically smooth down her hair. "He would have tried so hard to get you to like motorcycles as much as he did. He would have cooked for you, because he was so much better at that than me. He made these amazing chocolate chip pancakes that he would always put together for me when I was sick..." her words broken off with a quiet sob. "And when I was sad he would just hold me. He would hold me and let me cry and suddenly nothing seemed so bad anymore. When I was scared he would tell me that nothing could hurt me, and when he would wrap his arms around me I would believe him every single time. So when he would check under your bed for the monsters you would have felt safe. You wouldn't have had those nightmares because you would have known that your dad wouldn't have ever let anything hurt you. And he would have taken you for walks, making up elaborate stories about the conversations the birds had with the trees and the flowers because he was an idiot. He would have been the best dad, Hailey. And I'm so sorry that you're stuck with me."

Hailey pulled away, because this time it wasn't her that needed the comforting. She closed her eyes for a second. "Mom," she whispered, popping them open and looking at her through the tears. "You are the best mom imaginable. And yeah, I wish that I had known him. Because he sounds like he was basically the most amazing person on the planet. And I'm so proud that he's my dad. But I'm proud that you're my mom too. Because you were a single mom, but you made it work," she said, instinctively knowing what her mom needed to hear. "I remember all those days you took me to work because you didn't have anyone to watch me. Or all those nights we had takeout instead of something you cooked. Or the times you snuck me out of school so we could go to a museum or the zoo or into the city. Or the nights you stayed up with me until I was really prepared for a test, even though you had to work the next day. I remember the talks you gave me about not needing anymore to complete me and the talks about being able to do anything that I wanted to do; that no one could stop be from reaching my dreams." She looked down, not even knowing where these words were coming from. "But you never had to tell me that stuff. Because you showed me every day. I'm getting really emotional now," she laughed through the tears. "but you need to know that there isn't a better mom than you out there."

She punctuated her speech by throwing herself back into her mom's arms, leaning her face into her neck and wrapping her own arms tightly around her. It felt different now that they were about the same size, but it felt good. It felt safe. Maybe her dad wasn't as gone as everyone thought.


End file.
